December 18, 2016

Surrounded by People I Love

When tickets to The Forgotten Carol's went on sale Tim said he would get them for the kids and I (He was scheduled to work out of town.) I really didn't think much more about it. I was so excited to go with all of the big kids and Hazel was happy to spend the evening with her favorite babysitter, Megan. Before he went out of town Thursday, Tim said he got tickets for my nieces and Haidyn was going to come too. Everyone was meeting at our house and we would drive up together.  Morgan said  she was going to follow us up with Sadie (Tim had grabbed her a ticket too.) 

At this point I am still not thinking anything weird is going on. 

Our first stop was In N Out. Joy and Bill were there!!!! Joy said Tim wanted she and Bill to come to surprise me. He wanted it to be a special night with people I love. I was so happy. We ate and headed to the show. It just kept getting better and better.

Jaxson and Jaclyn were running a little late so they were going to meet us at the show. As we were watching for them, my cousin and her husband walked in. I thought it was so fun to run into them and stood there talking for quite a few minutes. 

I still had no idea...... 

Then my other cousin came in the door. With her husband and a couple of their kids. I looked at Joy and my kids. All smiles. I started saying, "Is this part of THIS?" I couldn't believe it and was so excited at the same time. More cousins and friends....

More people kept coming. Friends and neighbors and family. Tim had bought tickets for everyone and he couldn't even be there. I sat and watched The Forgotten Carols surrounded by people I love so much. At intermission more people were there. It was the best day ever. Tim delivered tickets and made plans with all of these people. It was the best gift I could have been given. 

I love the show. But this was the best one yet!!! Thank you to a fabulous husband who wanted me to have a special night. Thank you to friends and family who came and spent the evening with me. Thank you to my kids and their friends who love me and support me. Thank you to the friends and family who happened to be there  and came and said hello. I am overwhelmed by how lucky I am. It is good to love and be loved!
Life is good!

Merry Christmas

December 01, 2016

A Letter to Mother

Recently my cousin brought me this letter. I haven't stopped thinking about it. My grandmother, Elayne, wrote it to her mother. I can't begin to describe my feelings. Just seeing my grandma's handwriting had me excited and teary eyed at the same time. But, her words. My grandma had just returned home after traveling to Utah to bury her son. The pain of that event alone would have destroyed me. Her words describe an unconditional love and journey that to most would have been debilitating.  She writes, "....that brought me face to face with the reality of my personal loss and I had some time when I had to let it wash over me. I grieved. I went back to his potential. I lived the time when we couldn't understand what was happening to him. I went through the frustration, the worry, the anger, the anguish, the times when we tried all kinds of medical and Psychiatric procedures to no avail, the agony, the embarrassment we felt as we watched him be less and less each year, the agony of knowing that he knew he could not perform and could not understand why, the long questioning hours when we berated ourselves because we could not help him and cried at the inability." Her honesty. Her son had suffered an accident when he was young which had caused brain tumors that led to deficits in his abilities when he was older.  It was a long time before they understood why he was deteriorating mentally. I can't imagine watching a grown child go through that kind of pain.  I remember visiting him in the hospital when I was young. Now that I have children of my own, her words give me strength. She was strong. She found solace in writing her feelings and she loved her son. She talks about unconditional love and says, ' I am grateful that we had time to explore with him all of that kind of love, and to accept each other with all the "expectations" removed from our relationship."  I think of raising kids and how I always just thought Grandma knew what she was doing. As a child, it seemed like very little phased her.  I see now that she would be able to relate to my feelings not only as a mom, but as a person. She reminds me that grieving is okay. Natural even. No matter the loss. We would have been friends.

Grandma had the utmost love and respect for her Mother. She always called her "Mother." The friendship they shared..... A poem, at a time when I fear I would be angry and speechless, Grandma writes of a peace brought by family. I will never say I am grateful for cancer. But, it has changed so many things in my life. Some for better, others for worse. BUT,  it has opened family doors that I didn't even realize were shut. I would be lying if I said that didn't make me happy. I hope to be a better mother and her words inspire me. She says, "I may never grow up. I go on needing you to mother me in so many times and places, and in so many ways." The letter is closed with, "Dearest Mother- if you get the rewards you deserve you'll be the brightest angel in all the heavens. All our love, Elayne" This letter has made me rethink so many things in life. Goals......

I will treasure this letter for the rest of my days!